Looking for some body?

Lately, I’ve been trying hard to keep fit and exercise regularly. I did my 17th Parkrun yesterday and achieved a new PB (10 minutes up from my first, might I add). Granted, I run very slowly and in small steps but the fresh air is great and 5km at 8am on a Saturday morning is no joke. Along with these weekly runs, I try to do two home work-outs during the week. However, while getting going with this semi-serious routine and actually seeing results (!!!) I’ve realised something. Whenever I imagine my future (distant or not-so-distant), I imagine things beautiful, cheery, and just better overall. But, here’s the thing. In this ideal future, my body is not my body. It is a slim, toned, tummy-flab-free body with defined calves and the flexibility of a competitive gymnast.

In my ideal future, my body is just a whole lot “better” than it is now. And I can’t shake the feeling that this ideal future is dependent on me having this ideal body. Yes, I know body-image is not an unusual thing to struggle with and beauty standards are shifting every day. The model body isn’t as concrete as it used to be but it is still what we compare ourselves to; it is still considered the “norm”. I saw a text post on Tumblr (yes, I still browse Tumblr – and what about it?) that said,

“being a woman is like…yeah lol you can pursue self-fulfillment and happiness on the side but don’t forget your main eternal quest is for unattainable beauty and ritual degradation”

 

I have never related to anything more. Slight exaggeration, but you should be expecting that by now. I digress. I know that my reasons for actively trying to keep fit aren’t just surface level, I genuinely want to exercise, stock up on endorphins, and be happy, healthy and strong. At the same time, I know that this fixation over the “ideal body” is deep-rooted and has been brewing in my psyche for 15 years so it’s no wonder why my desire to look a certain way continues to seep into my daydreams of die toekoms. Slightly off-topic but does anyone else daydream in a different colour-grading than real life? Like, the RCU (Raeesa Cinematic Universe) is a beautiful balance of seaside landscapes, Paddington 2, those 90s home movies, and snippets from a coming-of-age film — feeling the wind through my fingers on a drive along the coast, stopping for a swim in a lake, and oh, I don’t know… tender moments amidst acts of rebellion and a close-up under multi-coloured lights… but, yeah, I haven’t thought about it much.

Anyway, I’m going to keep trying to do what’s best for my body. I’m taking it slow, and I’m feeling pretty good so, no matter what my future holds, my body will fit just fine.